Tuesday, March 15, 2011

MY GREEN-MAN DREAM: Plagiarism-able school assignment material

I've decided to start helping students who are having trouble with writing assignments. I know how it is sitting up that night before a paper is due, racking your brain trying to think of something you can write about. Kids, I'm happy to say there will be no more need for that. I am going to allow anyone to plagiarize this story as their own.

Get your pencils out, here it is:

By ________________
A while back I had a dream about a green-colored man with a long heavy head. So heavy in fact, he could not stand upright. He stood in a stooped position and looked at me. I remember noticing his shadow; it seemed very important at the time. After I woke up I couldn't remember why the shadow was so important. His head looked like some kind of vegetable with asparagus points on the top. To the best of my ability I drew what I saw in my dream. SEE DIAGRAM BELOW (Write it in all caps like that so the teacher thinks it's important.)
He stood motionless almost like a vegetable yet he did very subtly, almost unnoticeably, turn his head when I walked to a different place so I was never out of his line of sight. I was afraid to look away because I didn't know what he was capable of. I wondered if he'd attack if given the chance.

A football is not a very good gift. (Good finisher-upper.)

Well, that's it. Use it freely and enjoy your easy A! I don't allow you to copy the drawing though. Not because I value it, but because the teacher should see something created by your own hand. That will make it more authentic. If anyone does draw their own version of this guy I'd love to see it. Email me some pics or links!


  1. An epic Keith... a truly hyperbolic surreal parable with ontological freight and poignant subtext... PLUS I really dig the pic of Green Asparagus Man :)
    I wish I'd had this story numerous times during school.

  2. EPIC ! A Football is in fact a terrible gift... unless it is signed by Donovan McNabb (wink wink).

    I had a spooky dream like this once (among thousands). But it was CURLY from the 3-Stooges, and I too was afraid to take my eye off him for fear of attack.

    I would like to add a post-script for all plagiaristic Children:

    PS: Don't forget to eat your vegetables, or they might kill you.

  3. That asparagus man will give me more bad dreams than all my past unfinished school papers combined.

  4. I've always wanted to tell people about a dream in which I kissed Hitler full on the mouth in order to avoid being shot. It saddens me to think that I would compromise my principles to a point where I would suck face with the most dispicable man on earth in order to save myself but when all the dust settles, clearly that is the pathetic little man that I am. Now you have given me the courage to tell the world by revealing your own fucked up dream. Thank you sir.

  5. You are always thinking of the children. Very thoughtful. I imagine that many young dullards will not realize that the text in a parenthesis is a private aside from you, the author, to them, and they will copy the text verbatim and expose the ruse... But, that's on them, the dummies. Ah well, you will have tried your best.

  6. Jeeves - YIKES!

    Matt - You are right. Some kid is gonna blow it and the jig will be up. Oh well. It'll be a life lesson for them.

  7. I kissed an asparagus in a dream once!

  8. Did the asparagus welcome it?

  9. I'm not sure I remember, but all I can tell you is that my pee smelled weird!!!


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