Sunday, October 17, 2010


Here's a new prized possession. I remember being a 2nd grader in the school cafeteria, and all my friends had colorful and exciting lunch boxes like Six Million Dollar Man, Planet of the Apes, Korg 70,000 BC and Scooby Doo, and I only had a dumb ol' blank one with a plaid pattern on the thermos. I hated that thing and was kind of ashamed of it. But now look at me! I'm as cool as all those other 2nd graders now. Ha! I bet they don't even have theirs anymore!

Why is Oscar Goldman running alongside Steve? He's not supposed to be on these missions! He's the brains of the operation! Maybe he just thought it would be cool to watch Steve bat some dudes with a tree. Maybe Steve told Oscar ahead of time he'd be doing that.

Since that one guy is already on the ground and the tree's on the other side of the standing guy, it means this is the second swing. That means the standing guy watched Steve bat that other guy with a tree, and it didn't scare him off. Man is he dumb! And the one on the ground, is that Davey Jones? Does Oscar hate the Monkees?

I figure this is where the meeting took place before the previous incident. It probably went something like this:
OSCAR: You know Steve, these two guys you're going up against, they're a little crazy.

STEVE: I've been thinking about that, Oscar. I figure I'll lure them into the woods where all the trees are, and pull up a tree and bat them with it. It's a pretty good plan because they aren't bionic, and would be unable to pull up trees to bat me.

OSCAR: Man! That plan sounds REALLY good. You know, Steve . . . I'd kind of like to see that, if you don't mind.

STEVE: Sure, you can tag along. Just don't get in my way. I'll be swinging that tree after all.

As you can see in the picture above, on the way to the woods Oscar nearly drove over Steve. It's a good thing Steve has those bionic legs.

But even with the bionics, thanks to Oscar's bungling, Rudy still had to tweak Steve's legs a bit back at OSI.

Oh no! Steve! Get outta space! That's dangerous! Didn't you learn the first time?! This is another fine mess Oscar's gotten Steve into! It sort of makes you wonder who's side Oscar is REALLY on.

The insides have a few specks of rust here and there. I blame the previous 2nd grader who owned it. If I knew who he was I'd give him the shame routine. Then I'd tell him If he isn't old enough to take care of this precious piece of metallic joy then it'll be taken away, and he'll be eating out of a dumb ol' blank lunch box with a plaid pattern on the thermos!

This is not the thermos that grubby little 2nd grader brat was eating Campbell's soup from. The horrible little ingrate lost his thermos. I had to get this one separately off Ebay. Or maybe it WAS the same long lost thermos and I just reunited it with its metallic mama.


  1. least you got a lunchbox. I had the traditional, midwestern brown bag. We all did. Lunchboxes were for girls. The midwest, at least where I grew up (a suburb of Detroit) is a stern and serious place.

  2. i had the same lunch box! i remember it fondly. this is the most entertaining post about a lunchbox ever! who knew?

  3. Mykal, Detroit sounds tough! I'm from the midwest too but I'm not up there as high as you on the map. I guess once we got to be 5th graders we all switched to brown bags. There were some guys I remember in my 6th grade class with puppies on their Trapper-Keepers. I remember thinking that was dangerous and people would talk, but never said anything to those guys.

    Brad, you are among the kids I envied.

  4. In our day we bagged it as well, although I always drew on mine.

    In those days, I cannot recall anyone having a lunch box with a TV icon painted on. If anything it was probably Davey Crockett or Howdy Doody, but really, I have no memory of them in our neck of the woods.

    I wonder what would be in a million dollar lunch?

    One more Q..what the devil is a Trapper-Keeper anyway? Did you have trappers that needed keeping?

  5. When I was in school everyone got a brand new lunch box at the start of every school year. It was like a status symbol, as important as your new school clothes.

    I remember I had a Peanuts one and then a Superman one, and that was it. After the Superman lunchbox, my cheapskate Dad decided I didn't need a new lunchbox when the old one was still perfectly acceptable.

    So for the rest of my grade school career, I had to carry around the Superman lunchbox, while all my classmates got bright shiny new ones, decorated with all the latest pop culture icons.

    I was embarrassed and ashamed of my old Superman lunchbox, and felt like my classmates were all judging me because I didn't replace it every year. I remember one year I got the bright idea that if it was destroyed, Dad would HAVE to replace it. So I'd throw it up in the air and kick it along on the way home, trying to bust it up.

    It eventually got all scuffed and dented and wouldn't close anymore, so I showed it to my dad and said, "OK, it's busted. You can take me to the store now to pick out a new one." He just pounded out the dents and fixed the lid, and after that not only did I have an embarrassing outdated Superman lunchbox, but it also looked like it'd been dragged behind a car.

    By the time I got to junior high, everyone used brown bags, so I didn't have to worry about it anymore.

  6. Bob, Keith, and Brad: You guys suck, you and your fancy lunchboxes! "Oh, I'm just so cool! Check out the thermos!" Forgive me, my jealousy has turned me into a bitter, ranting old man. Lunchboxes! Dang. What the hell was wrong with my neighborhood? Wily! My man!

  7. Willy: A Trapper Keeper was basically a vinyl notebook with a fold over flap on one end, to keep all your valuable homework and pencils from flying out. Some marketing genius got the idea to print cool hip graphics on them to make them irresistible to kids.

    I never had one; I just had a plain old 3 ring binder, which also embarrassed me. I embarrassed easily as a kid.

    By the way, Willy, are you really Sean Bean, the guy who played Boromir in Lord of the Rings?

  8. @BOB- HAHAHA! what a great story bob! i did the same thing once with some crappy new shoes i got. i hated them so i tied them up and dragged them behind my bike. i actually did get new shoes out of that deal though.

    @Mykal - lunchboxes were no big whoop where i lived (Richie Rich Town) hahaha!

  9. I feel left out of this conversation!

  10. KW: This reverse-engineered play-by-play made my Father think something was wrong with me~ GASPING for air with tears streaming down my cheeks~! The only LunchBox I ever owned was an NFL Football-Helmet container, embossed, with 26 Teams. It was severely abused & later got traded for some Comic Books. Brown Bags Forever~!

    ps: you may now re-join this conversation ;~j

  11. Thanks Lysdexicuss
    I'm honored to have been instrumental in your dad's suspicion about your sanity. hehe!


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